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30 Ways to...

70 steps to pulling success

Use the three second rule: If you see a girl you like in a bar, just give her a smile, then look away. Sneakily look back, and if you catch her smiling back at you for three seconds or more, she’s into it. Don’t ask us how we know this – we just do.
Never talk about your ex-girlfriend, especially if you still love or hate her. Uttering ‘she was a right psycho, you know’ as an icebreaker will only convince your target that you’re a real psycho.
Do tell her you have a pet. Just don’t show her the pictures in your wallet.
By all means do ask her where she from, don’t ask for her house number and street name- she’ll think you’re a stalker!
Try not to brag about yourself, unless it’s done with good humour and a wink, like: ‘I won’t a tenner on the lottery last night! Stick with me kid.’ Obviously you should not say this to a real Kid.
Claim that you play an instrument. You wont have to prove it there and then, and your sexual attractiveness will go up by 30%
Do not give her your business card, especially if it has a ridiculous title like ‘Assistant Executive Data Operations co-ordinator’. Just put her number in your phone.
Pick out something nice about her outfit, such as her earrings or shoes. Never comment on her breasts at this early stage. Even if they are amazing.
If a girl rejects you, hide being offended by saying ‘you can’t blame me for trying’, and keep chatting. She’ll let her guard down, and you may grow on her as she drinks more.
Buy her a drink – but never buy champagne (you’ll look like a tosser), shots (potential attacker) or coffee (teetotal). Keep it simple with a spirit and mixer or wine.
Never send a mate over. She’ll think you’re a mute. Or 12 years old.
If you’re asked to guess her age, always go three years younger than she actually looks. If you try to get it spot on, you’ll always end up getting it wrong and inadvertently calling her hag.
You may think it’s funny to call her by another girl’s name. She won’t. You’ll be forever known as ‘that twat’.
Ensure that her drink is well topped up throughout the evening. But don’t get her totally leathered.
Don’t make any mention of how much you earn in the first conversation. She really doesn’t care.
Don’t avoid the group of girls drunkenly dancing. Join in and you’re instantly a laugh. And surrounded by drunken girls.
Girls like leaders, so if you’re heading into a bar with a load of your mates, walk in first with them lagging behind.
Don’t look at the floor while you’re talking to her: you’ll look shifty.
Ditch the shades. You’re inside. It’s pitch black and you’ll come across as a vain tosser
Once you’ve chatted to her for 10 minutes, walk away to speak to your friends. You’ll get her interested instead of being ‘the pest’.
Tell her a funny story about your mate who always goes purple when he approaches someone he fancies – it’ll make you look less panicked.
Spot the girl being left out of the conversation, ask her if she’s OK, smile nicely and offer her a drink. You’ll be her hero.
If she fidgets when talking to you, this is a good thin! Playing with her hair, fiddling with her rings or pulling at her dress all mean she fancies you.
Never wear T-shirts or shirts that allow your nipples to be seen.
If you’re stupid/brave/drunk enough to go for the fittest girl in the room, don’t flatter her. She’s probably heard it a million times.
Have the balls to go up to a group of girls and ask them all out. They’ll be so impressed; one of them is bound to say yes.
If there are two girls and one is significantly fitter than the other, talk to the really fit one, but flirt with her mate. The fit one thinks you’re deep and her mate is flattered. You win all round!
Bump into her ‘accidentally’. Wait for her to go to the loo, and time it so when she walks out you gently walk into her. Apologise and offer to buy her a drink.
Once you’re talking, let her know you’re interested by gently touching her arm – but not too much, or she’ll be freaked out.
Never go out on the pull wearing chinos. You’re not Michael Douglas, and even if you were, she still wouldn’t want to have sex with you.
Ask her if she likes surprises. If she says yes, plant a kiss on her cheek. If she says no, tell her what you were going to do. Either way she’ll be flattered.
Wink it makes every girl a bit giddy.
When you’re attempting to flirt, never, ever show your tongue, lick your lips or bite your lip. It’s a girl thing.
Don’t wear jeans that are too short.
Don’t wear jeans that are too tight!
Wear a pink shirt. It will make her think you are exceptionally at ease with your sexuality.
Tell her that you love being a bachelor but you secretly yearn to have babies and a dog one day. She’ll laugh out loud, but you’ll instantly move across to her ‘prospective boyfriend’ list (and therefore ‘potential shag’ list)
Never, ever, under any circumstances, that you have a bunch of condoms in your coat pocket. Especially if they’re used.
Make your move at 10:48pm. Some scientists in America recon this is when blokes have most success pulling women.
If she gives you her number, wait two days before calling. Any sooner and you’re desperate; any longer and she already hates you.
Don’t ask her out by text message, use the bloody phone!
If she’s agreed to a date, offer to collect her from her house.
If you’re dressing sharply, make sure you’re shoes aren’t scuffed. Girls will judge you on your shoes in seconds.
Pull out your chair for her or open a door. All girls are secretly impressed by manners.
Don’t eat food that’s meant for cutlery with your hands. She’s not going to imagine you running your hands over her body if you’re covered in curry sauce or vinegar.
Don’t just bundle her onto a night bus or an illegal minicab at the end of the night. Making sure she safely gets to her door will guarantee a second date.
If she invites you in for coffee, be prepared to just drink it. Leaping on her the moment the door’s closed will scare the life out of her, rather than charm the pants off her.
If you’re wearing a tie, undo your top button and loosen the knot. God knows why women like this, but they do!
Send flowers to her work. Even women who claim they hate them still love the attention and making everyone else jealous.
However well you’re getting on, don’t insult her ‘jokily’. You’ll make that complex about her nose/name/dead pet worse and then she definitely won’t sleep with you.
Don’t ask her what she does and how much she earns within minutes of meeting her. She’ll think you’re shallow and superficial. Which should come later, obviously.
If your mum calls while you’re chatting, don’t blank her call. She’ll think you’ve got issues.
When you’re talking look at her lips for a few seconds then look away again. Repeat a few times and she’ll be dying to kiss you without even realising it.
Never ask her name more than once. If you forget it don’t let on.
Don’t mention any exes. Why would this girl care?
Don’t mention your mounting debts.
In fact, don’t mention anything that’s going to effectively pop a large neon sign above you’re head saying ‘loon’
Never ignore a mate all night to chat her up. Not because he’ll get arsey, but because she’ll judge you for it.
Don’t keep condoms in your wallet. You’ll go to buy her a drink and out they’ll fall, embarrassing everyone and ensuring you don’t get to use them.
Don’t try to impress her with tales of trekking round the slums of Rio.
Don’t put your arm around her shoulders, waist or stroke her hair. It’s far too soon, and she’ll cack her pants. Why not try the arm-touching thing again? It’s a good way of showering interest without being scary.
Never, ever put her in a headlock. It may qualify as ‘banter’ with you and your mates, but this really isn’t the time to try out you wrestling moves.
If you’ve got your eye on the girl at work, never ask her out via work email, as you’ll find it goes round the virtual world before you’ve even made it back from the bogs.
Instead, ask her when you’re on a drunken work night out, so if she says no, she probably won’t remember you asked her in the morning.
If she gives you her number, don’t do that thing of ringing it to see if it’s a real number in front of you. If it’s fake, you both look like idiots, but if its real, you look like a paranoid, desperate man, and therefore not someone she’s likely to sleep with.
A quiet bar or nice restaurant are ideal first-date locations.
Don’t invite her for diner at your flat for the first date. You may as well tell her that you’re only interested in sleeping with her and can’t even be arsed to spend a tenner on a round first
If you have an embarrassing ring tone, turn it off while you’re on your date. Otherwise, not only will she mock you, but the waiter will too.
On your first date, offer to pay but allow her to go Dutch if she wants to. A good rule is: refuse her once, but if she offers again, accept. Yelling ‘But I’m the man!’ won’t do you any favours.
By the same token, don’t get your calculator out and make her pay for the exact share, right down to that extra she asked for.

20 worst places to have sex

1.Swimming baths
A little bit of slap and tickle can be a right laugh in public baths. However, full sex is just wrong. And vomit-inducing. The horrific signt of your floating jizz will scar the beginners’class for life.

2. In your housemate’s bed
The gloat worthy appeal of doing it in your mates bed is great, but take heed: they’re normally a dirt ridden scumbag who hasn’t washed his sheets for months, maybe years. Disease is a probability.

3. Up a tree
Joining the ten-metre-high club, rather than the mile-high-club, should be avoided. Unless youre inside a sturdy, well-furnished treehouse (that’s been emptied of kids), the risk of getting branch stuck up your bottom makes this certified no-no

4. While babysitting
Tread with caution when the kids have gone to bed, because just as you’re getting down to it, little Johnny is bound to come in and be proper freaked. No more Christmas presents from Auntie Jean, that’s for sure

5. In the cupboard
A quickie, whether at work or….er….somewhere where there’s a cupboard, is very tempting. But its usually disastrous when, after fumbling in the dark, you find you’ve been more intimate with t he Hoover than your pissed off girlfriend.

6. While watching ‘Deal or No Deal’
A post-work nookie session is always good, but be careful what’s on the box. If Noel Edmonds beardy head appears, you’ll be put right off. Not by the beard itself, but by whether Cordelia from Bolton loses her nerve and deals at £20,000 or not.

7. On a cliff edge
Looking over british waters as you’re having sex sounds very romantic. But no amount of rugged outdoors-style loving will compensate for the unexpected gust of wind that dunks you in it. The mood will be killed, much like you! D E A dead

8. In the Snow
It’s a good way to warm you up, and your misses might love the cold, tingly sensation on her nipples but icey slush up your backside is never nice – and neither is a cold, retracted todger, for that matter.

9. At a party
A beer-fuelled bunk-up in a random bedroom will liven up the dullest party. Whats less exciting is being interrupted every five seconds by people looking for the toilet.

10. In the park
Public parks should be perfect, grassy sex hotspots but for one thing: dog muck! No matter how exciting the sex is, being covered in shit is rubbish – unless you’re into that type of thing.

11. On the top bunk
Top bunk sounds like the more exciting option but unless you plan to lie there like two corpses, movement will result in the both of you a-tumbling. Play it safe, and pick the bottom bunk.

12. At the bus stop
It’s one way to kill time as you wait for the 264, but no sooner will things have got underway, when round the corner it’ll come. Two of them probably.

13. In a nature reserve
Potentially fantastic, a leafy location for outdoor humping should always be chosen carefully. Prickly leaves and stinging nettles will ruin any orgasm, no matter how good it is. As will the presence of Cub Scouts

14. Inside a sleeping bag
No matter how tiny your special lady is, the likelihood of you both fitting into a sleeping bag is slim. If you do manage it, only tantric sex is possible and, unless you’re name is Sting, you’ll be bored shitless.

15. At a railway station
A perfect way to while away a bit of time, this distracting pursuit isn’t quite so appealing when you’ve missed the last train and have to spend the night in the ticket hall.

16. On a fairground ride
Having sex in the tunnel of love is one thing, but try performing on the Waltzers. The potential for penis snappage is strong, as is covering bemused onlookers with some wayward fluids!

17. In a mini
Car sex is potentially brilliant, but it has to be done in a reasonable-sized car. A mini simply isn’t workable: you’ll be doubled up in pain like a pair of freaky contortionists.

18. Underneath a sheet of bubble-wrap
Theres only one thing more compelling than a naked girl, and that’s bubble-wrap. Combining the two sounds great. It’s not. Ditch the girl, and pop away to your hearts content.

19. In a barn
Rolling around in the hay is a bit 1970’s porn film, but it could be great. That is, until the farmer’s prized boat butts in and wants to join in the fun. Don’t run the risk.

20. On a police car
It’d make a great boast to tell your mates, but the likelihood of getting away with humping on a copper’s patrol car is very slim, and a night in the cells will be your reward.

69 tips for the brave

Do a dirty den, and have sex on a webcam (not actually on a webcam; infront of a webcam)
Ask for anal. Gently tickle the area and ask if she’s considered it. If she’s keen, go gently with your finger at first until she’s fully relaxed.
If she says no to anal, don’t just slip it in protesting, ‘oops wrong hole!’ girls got wise to that quite a while ago…
Get her to tie a stocking around the base of your cock before it’s hard, and then give you a blowjob. Just as you’re about to come, she should pull it a little tighter, to intensify the orgasm. Now untie it! You don’t want it dropping off!
Have sex in a taxi. Or atleast see how far you can get before the cabbie throws you out. Or starts to enjoy it a little too much….in which case, throw yourselves out.
Sit on the top of the washing machine while you have sex: she should go on top, with her legs around your waist. The vibrations will reach your old chap and turn you into a human vibrator!
Bite her. Not hard – Its not a remake of silence of the lambs! Gentle biting brings blood to the surface of the skin and makes it really sensitive. A good basic rule is: no drawing blood.
Use more than one finger inside her – this needs to be led by her, though, regarding how many should go in at once. A word of warning: most girls aren’t keen on the whole fist.
Have sex with a bisexual woman and her lesbian friend. You might not convert her, but it’ll be something you never forget. Go to a gay-friendly boozer and see what happens.
Use your nose as part of oral sex on her. Try rubbing it on her clit for maximum effect.
Give a new lease of life to your girls pearl necklace (yep, the actual jewellery), by getting her to wank you off with it. Apply loads of lube, and then get her to loosely wrap it around your shaft and move up and down.
Stop worrying about it, and have sex with your best female friend. Who cares if you’ll regret it? You’ll still have had sex!
Have your cock pierced, to experience what its like having sex with a ring through your bell-end (wait for it to heal before round testing)
Ask your girlfriend to tie you up, blindfold you, gag you and let her do whatever she wants.
Go to a lesbian club. The good ones are basically full of women getting off with each other. Yes, basic and puerile. But who cares, it’s girls kissing!
Arrange to kidnap your girlfriend, take her to your house and have your way with her. Obveoulsy she should know about this in advance.
Watch your girlfriend have sex with another man. This is only for the extreme voyeurs out there, and those who aren’t the jealous type
Have sex in your parents bed. You’ve got to be fast, you’ve got to be accurate and you’ve got to be clean get the job done and get out.
Get rimmed. The only rules are that its got to be hygienic and hairless.
Get her to put a finger in your arse while you’re having sex. If you hate it, she can whip it straight, but as the male G-spots up there, why not? Free your mind (and your sphincter)
Film yourself wanking and send it to your girlfriend. Make sure she doesn’t circulate it to all her friends.
Sing while you’re going down on her. The vibrations from your voice and throat will drive her bonkers. We suggest Bohemian Rhapsody.
Eating strawberries off her body may be romantic, but surprise her by getting out a cucumber and suggest using it as a dildo. Make sure you wash it first!
Pretend you’re a sex addict and go to a meeting just hearing all those filthy stories should keep you going for ages.
Have sex in a hot air balloon. Need we say more?
Try shagging a girl with her clitoris pierced, just to see what its like.
Get a job as a roadie for a shit band – that way you can have sex with their reject groupies.
Leave your job and work as a holiday rep. Lots of casual sex guaranteed.
Make your life complete by getting it on in the back seats of a football stadium. Let her sit on your lap and go up and down every time something exciting happens on the pitch. You’ll need a blanket for this – and not to support a shit football team.
Get frisky in a public toilet. Although girls’ toilets are much cleaner and sweeter smelling, you’ll have fewer disruptions in the blokes’. Try to avoid the ones with piss covered floors or glory holes!
Bugger the ‘no heavy petting’ signs, and get well in there at a swimming pool in the middle of the night.
Stay in your motor as it goes through the car wash and have a quick, loud, rampant sex before it comes out the other end.
Get a blowjob from a woman with tongue piercings – it’ll feel incredible.
Double penetrate her by using a dildo when you’re having anal sex. This is best done in doggy position.
Become a porn star and have sex with different women every day. Ensure you change your name and buy a disguise.
Buy a VibraWhip and lightly whip her arse cheeks. Think erotic not lion tamer.
Visit erotic locations where pro porn stars shag average Joes – yes that means you! Ace! Go to www.pornweek.com!
Visit a nudists’ holiday resort. We’re not suggesting you have sex with the mainly German, overweight campers, but it could be a great turn on for you and your girlfriend.
Get a joint lapdance. By the end of it you’ll forget about the dancer and be dying to rip each others clothes off.
Go to an adult swingers club together. You don’t have to join in, but if seeing other blokes eyeing your girlfriend up gets your engines running you’ll be well away.
Pull someone else – with her permission. Pretend you’re not together in a club, snog another girl who she’s picked out for you and then go home with your hopefully turned on, and not psychotically jealous, girlfriend.
Get your lady to give you a massage with a ‘happy finish’. Not only will you save your hard-earned cash but you won’t risk being banged up.
Film the two of you having sex, put it on a DVD and when she comes round for dinner next time, treat her to a screening.
If you’re into watersports and she’s not fussed either, then do it in the bath.
While she’s giving you a blowjob take Polaroids of her in action. Not only will they turn you on there and then, but you can also flick through them when she’s not around.
Don’t hide your porn – show it to her and ask her if you can read/watch it together. She could get just as turned on by the filthy stuff as you. She could also chin you! Good Luck!
Let her use a small vibrator on your balls during sex.
Have ‘stranger sex’, but with each other. Arrange to meet in a bar but arrive separately pretend you don’t know each other. After eyeing each other up, take her home without even asking her name.
Book into a seedy hotel for the weekend and refuse to get out of bed at all.
Ask her to go out wearing a mini-skirt and no knickers. Not only will you know she’ going commando, but there’s every chance somebody will see.
Try the direct approach. If you see a girl in a club, walk up, tell her you want her and see what happens. Warning: may take several attempts and slaps before you meet a like-minded soul.
Go along to a fetish club. The big ones like torture garden cater for everyone, from amateurs to full-on-freaks. If you’re not up for being tied to a rack, just watch everyone else be filthy buggers.
Forget paying someone to wax your girlfriend: get a razor and spend an evening shaving each other. It’s a strangely erotic and yet bollock-shrinkingly scary.
Have a go in one of those sex swings. Easily bought online, you hang it from your ceiling, jump into the harness and away you go. Not for those who are prone to motion sickness.
Make your own porno film. Just filming the act itself is for pansies – get some costumes and device a simple script including the phrases ‘I’ve brought my tool round’ and ‘I’ve never seen one throb so much’
Have anonymous sex. Websites like www.craigslist.org/cities have ‘casual encounters’ ads for people wanting to arrange no-strings-attatched shagging. And no, you don’t have to pay!
Ask a girl to be your fuck buddy. It may take a while to find one who’ll say yes, but when one does you’ll get commitment-free sex on a plate. Worth all those ‘fuck off loser’ comments!
Mix up the standard role play with some freaky alternatives: judge and juror; Red Riding Hood and the big, bad wolf; grandma and the big bad wolf even….
Have a threesome, but where your girlfriends totally in charge. She chooses the girl, location and what you do with each other. Never ask the girls name.
Get her to write a blog based on your sex life. Sites like www.blogspot.com are anonymous, but you’ll know they’re about you.
Have a threesome with a total stranger. Advertise on a website, then you and your girlfriend chose a partner, meet in a pub and if she’s fit in the flesh as in her pics, you’re away. Plus you’ll never ever run the risk of seeing her again. Unless you want to…
With your lady’s consent, make a sex take and leak it onto the internet. Nobody apart from you mates may care, but you’ll atleast gain local notoriety.
Ask your girlfriend to send you a mobile phone clip of her masterbating while thinking about you. It’ll be there to watch everytime you get a bit bored. Just don’t send it out to your phonebook by accident.
Ask your lady to join you down the boozer with your mates, wearing just her sexiest underwear, high heels and a raincoat. They’ll be wondering why she doesn’t take of her raincoat and only you will know the truth…
Lonely? Single? Can’t get a real girl? Then buy a doll. Companies in the States are selling ‘real looking’ dolls online, designed to your specification and even with the, er, right holes…go to www.realdoll.com
Pretend you’re taking romantic pictures in a photobooth but actually have her sit on your old chap while you do. Not only will you get the thrill of getting caught (probably by some old gran waiting for her bus-pass picture) but also some filthy pictures.
Play twister. Naked. And covered in water. You’ll get into all sorts of fruity positions, and the slipping is bound to guarantee ‘accidental entry’.
Try out spanking. Begin with gentle taps and get harder. Have a code word, so she can say when it’s at the right level. As well as your hand, you can use a hairbrush, ruler or wet tea towel!
Get yourself a pair of VibraExciters and send each other cheeky vibrations all day. On the bus, at work and on your lunch break!